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Sexual Intelligence with Dr. Marty Klein

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Valentine’s day is quickly approaching, it’s this Sunday if you didn’t know.  Some of you reading this might be thinking, “Oh crap! I need to get something for my Boo.”  Never fear, I have the perfect (self-promoting) gift.  How about an afternoon-full of conversation about sex and sexuality?  The Southwest Sexual Health Alliance has arranged for Dr. Marty Klein to do a presentation on Sexual Intelligence. 

If you are not familiar with his work, check out this clip of him answering some questions about sex:

The lecture will start at 2 PM on Saturday, and prior to the talk, I will be hosting Sex Nerd Trivia starting at 12 NOON.  We will be celebrating all types of love with some great prizes from our sponsors: Fleshlight, Adult Megaplex, Tapelenders, and Überlube.

So, skip the overpriced flowers and give the gift of sexual intelligence.  You’ll laugh, learn, and maybe even win a prize to practice with at home.  And because I got so much love for my readers here, use the code: Community12off to get $15 off the price of an “Advocate” ticket.

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[gdlr_heading tag=”h4″ color=”#ffffff” background=”#000000″ font_weight=”bold”]Event Info[/gdlr_heading]

SEX NERD TRIVIA + SOCIAL HOUR + DR. MARTY KLEIN PRESENTS SEXUAL INTELLIGENCE

Spend the day before Valentine’s Day playing *Sex Nerd Trivia*, indulging in chocolate and listening to the Sex Expert, Dr. Marty Klein, who’s been called an international superstar in marriage & sex therapy, a sex therapist renegade by the New York Times and has given two congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education. Omni Austin Hotel at Southpark, 4140 Governors Row, Austin TX 78702. Saturday, February 13, 2016. 12 NOON – 5 PM. Tickets $45-$125.

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Revamp Your Sex Life: 5 Tips To Reignite the Eroticism In Your Relationship

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#1 Self-Care-You Have To Feel Good To F*@K Good

It is hard to turn yourself on for sex if you don’t feel good about yourself.  There is a myth in our culture that our partner’s job is to turn us on, when in reality we have to feel good about ourselves to turn ourselves on. Think about it like this, let’s say you go on a week long camping trip where there are no showers, changes of clothes, or toiletries. Upon your return to civilization you are provided an all-you-can eat sushi spread. So, after you engorge yourself, you get home and walk into your living room. Standing before you is the person you find most attractive in the world, let’s say it’s Rob Lowe (because he is so pretty that he seems to cause people to bend their notions of their own sexual orientation). Rob says to you, “drop those drawers and let’s do this.”  Now, consider how difficult it might be to feel erotic smelling like a mixture of pit stank and pine cones while the rice bloat builds a home in your stomach. In that moment it would be challenging for many people to turn themselves on, and Rob’s blue eyes and forgiving bone structure would understand. One way to bring eroticism back into your relationship is to practice self-care.  That could mean exercising, spa treatments, eating healthier; whatever helps you feel good about being in your own body. This is not about getting dolled up, trying to morph yourself into what you think your partner might want you to look like; it is about feeling comfortable in your own skin. You have to manage the stressors in your life so that you feel open to sexual exploration.  If you’re comfortable in your own body, then it is easier to share that body with another person.

#2 Sexting-It’s Not Just For Horny Teenagers

In making a life with another person it can be easy to become so comfortable with them that they shift from being a desired muse who once brought out your sexual explorer to a background noise that distracts you from watching that episode of “30 Rock” on Netflix for the 8th time. So, if you have a general fondness for each other but have lost your erotic love, you can work on rediscovering it via sexting. (Just a side note here, if you and your love do not have a foundation of friendship and appreciation established, then focus on liking each other again before jumping into dick pics and words that make angels blush.) Sexting provides a platform where you can talk to your partner about what excites you sexually; a topic of conversation that people aren’t always able to easily have. Sexting allows for you to get creative and use words and pictures to reconnect with your partner’s eroticism and your own.  An eggplant emoji can mean much more than an “eggplant” when you’re sexting.  What is great about sending sexually explicit messages to a partner is that they can be sent and received at any time.  It can give you time to consider what you might want to send allowing more room for exploration and playfulness than sitting face to face and stating what you want in the moment.  Sexting helps to spark anticipation and curiosity. (Pro tip: if you choose to sext with your partner, consider locking your phone so that other folks might not stumble across your personal Danielle Steel novel.)

#3 Sex Is Much More Than An Orgasm

If sex is simply about climax, then we could just masturbate next to our partners to complete the mission. Orgasm is a ridged goal; and when it is not achieved it can lead to a number of difficult feelings and thoughts about yourself and your relationship.  What if the goal of sex was to explore yourself and your partner?  What if sex was about being present in the moment with your partner, and orgasm was simply the possible gravy of that interaction (pun certainly intended).  When couples are able to expand their understanding of sex they experience more freedom and connection.  Exploration isn’t about achieving a goal, it is about curiosity and wonder; allowing folks to take healthy risks so they might uncover more about their own sexual desires and those of their partner.  When sex is less about climax and more about exploration and intimacy in its many forms (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), it has more freedom to develop.

#4 Life Gets Busy So Plan Frisky Times

One thing I often hear from folks who have lost the eroticism in their relationship is that they are too busy to find time for sex, to which I say: plan it.  Now you may be thinking, “Adam, I am not going to write down ‘6pm: ride the bologna pony’ in my Google calendar”, which is great because that might create a great deal of pressure to perform.  What I recommend is to set aside time for physical exploration, which could be anything from a massage to making out.  This takes the pressure off of the moment while allowing for new connections with your partner.  Even if you are only able to steal ten minutes from most days in your week, those ten minutes can stoke your desire; and when there is more time for connection it will be more intense due to all of the antici- … say it … -pation.  You might have to get a baby-sitter or forgo a choir practice on Sunday morning, but in the end your relationship will reap the benefits of eroticism.

#5 Take A Field-trip to A Sex Shop

A fun way to spark up a conversation about your sexual desires with your partner is to visit a sex shop together.  Talk about what looks intriguing and fun while noting what might be outside of your sexual template.  Exploring a sex shop together can offer you a chance to interact with products, try on merchandise and even learn a thing or two. Q Toys offers workshops on topics such as rope bondage; that is a surefire way to strike up a sex-tastic dialogue.  A trip to a sex shop can help break up the routine that you have settled into while allowing for a new and exciting purchase to find its way into your play.

Throughout the lifetime of a relationship, sex is bound to wax and wane, but the flame of desire does not need to stay out. If you have difficulty talking about sex with your partner then therapy can offer a safe space to work towards the erotic connection you are hoping to create.  In therapy, you can gain support, perspective and insight so that you can rekindle your erotic love.

[gdlr_icon type=”icon-camera-retro” size=”16px” color=”#999999″]TOP IMAGE: Photo credit Tim Sackton / Flickr

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8 Tips To Starting An Open Relationship

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If you and your partner are curious about opening your relationship there are a number of things to consider. The forethought you put into this decision will help you have a successful transition into an open relationship.

#1 Be Ready For Judgment

Right now as I am typing this I am aware that some folks will have a difficult time with the concept of an open relationship. If you are one of those people, then you may want to stop reading here and go find any other of my fabulous articles to enjoy. All types of relationships can work — monogamous, polyamorous, monogamish, open — as long as all parties involved are consenting and respectful of the relationship contract. If you are not opposed to the idea of an open relationship then welcome to Tip #1 — Be Ready For Judgment. You will likely hear murmurs that an open relationship is not a “real” relationship. Friends might assume that you and your partner are trying one last Hail Mary before calling it quits. Talk with your partner and consider what you might say to any Judge Judy in your lives.

#2 Be Ready For Rejection

If you have been in an exclusive relationship for a while, then you need to ready yourself for the rejection that awaits you when you reenter the world of dating and casual sex. Dita Von Teese does a wonderful job at putting this whole concept in perspective; “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, but there will always be someone who hates peaches.” There is no way to be everyone’s sexual fantasy come to life, and the reality is that some people will reject you simply because you are in an open relationship. Ready your ego to get a little bruised. Cement within yourself that your self-worth is your own responsibility. If you are able to appreciate yourself, warts and all, then no sexual rendezvous or rejection will take on the impossible task of making you feel good about yourself.

#3 Decide On Your Boundaries And Be Ready For Them To Be Challenged

An open relationship means different things to different people, so prepare to set the boundaries with your primary partner. Can you play with friends, or only new acquaintances? Can you play in your home or does it need to be outside of your shared space? The questions are endless, so a general template to guide you is: “Would my actions be respectful to my primary partner?” Negotiating boundaries does not stop with your primary partner; you will have to set limits with any potential partners as well. Maybe your primary partner is uncomfortable with you performing certain sexual acts with others; you’ll have to consider how to talk to your secondary partners about that boundary. People are imperfect, so set boundaries will be broken. If you hold your partners to a standard of perfection then you will be disappointed. When the boundaries are challenged, take the opportunity to explore the issue with empathy and curiosity. It takes a balance of being open-minded and assertive.

#4 Be Ready To Communicate

If you like talking, then you’ll love an open relationship. Communication is key to making an open relationship work. You have to negotiate schedules, talk about emotions and thoughts, and all the while maintain everyday relationship chats with your primary partner. Talking openly and listening with compassion will help you navigate this new arrangement. It is easy to experience tinges of shame or guilt when exploring your sexuality with secondary partners, even with your primary partner’s consent. If judgement from other people creeps in, I would encourage you to talk with your primary partner about what you are experiencing.

#5 An Open Relationship Now Does Not Mean An Open Relationship Forever

Just because you and your partner decide to be open at this current moment in time, does not mean that you must be open forever. Talk with your partner about how you will close the relationship if either of you need or want to be exclusive again. The flexibility in defining your relationship will offer relief during any challenges in navigating the new dynamic in your relationship.

#6 Prioritize Your Primary Relationship Over Secondary Relationships

It can be easy to become overwhelmed with all the new opportunities available once you open an exclusive relationship. Often times, there is an adjustment period when partners explore their new options while figuring out how to simultaneously maintain their primary relationship. Date night dinner may not be the best time to check your Grindr, no matter how many lovelies are vying for your attention. You might have to forego a planned Thursday night throw down to help your partner prepare the house for an unplanned visit from your in-laws. At the end of the day, your primary partner knows where you sleep, so work to keep him or her happy.

#7 Be Ready For The Excitement

Meeting new people and exploring your erotic side can be exciting, awakening new parts of yourself that might have gone unnoticed. Suddenly, you could realize that you really loved it when your regular side dish spanks you. Perhaps you discover that you love kissing for hours. In opening up your relationship, you can make new connections within yourself, giving you a rejuvenating boost. Since you are already communicating with your partner more, consider sharing your new self discoveries with your primary partner so that you can have some of that excitement at home.

#8 Be Ready Talk About Sexual Health With Your Health Care Providers

Not only will you be talking about sex with your primary and secondary partners, but you will also have the opportunity to talk about your sexual health with health care providers. Routine STI screenings are an important part of an active sex life. If you do not have a primary care physician then you may want to check out the City of Austin. They offer a comprehensive exam for only $20.

We are only on this planet for a finite amount of time, and I hope that you and your partner can have as many pleasant experiences as possible. Navigating an open relationship can be tricky and therapy provides a safe space to negotiate the new boundaries of your relationship. Therapy can help you join with your partner to fight any stigma, judgement, or jealousy that you may encounter on your journey of sexual exploration.

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You Don’t Need A Spreadsheet To Talk About Sex

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I woke up this morning and, as I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I came across a story from Buzzfeed about a man who emailed a spreadsheet to his wife detailing all the times he has tried to initiate sex with her since June third of this year. He quoted her responses to his requests. Out of the twenty-eight requests he made, he received three rolls in the hay. Despondent, she uploaded the spreadsheet to Reddit and the Internet responded. People adamantly made a case for either spouse. All this brouhaha and hurt feelings could have been avoided if the couple employed some basic communication skills.

Negotiating sex in a long-term committed relationship can be challenging. First off, couples do not always have the same drive to have sex. Some people are hardwired to be aroused more often or more easily while others may not have much of a desire for sex at all. Neither attitude is correct, they are just different ways that people exist in the world. Other factors such as stress, physical health (and perceived appearance), energy level, and emotional state also contribute to a readiness for intercourse. There are plenty of obstacles that can keep two people from wanting sex at the exact same time, it is no wonder that many long-term couples find it difficult to negotiate sex. Here are three tips to talking about sex:

[gdlr_dropcap type=”circle” color=”#ffffff” background=”#e36d39″]1[/gdlr_dropcap] Rejection sucks, and being rejected multiple times can lead to resentment (and a spreadsheet full of contempt that gets posted to Reddit) so if you are not in the mood for sex offer your partner an alternative or set up a time for sex in the future. You might say, “I just ate two plates of Indian food, how about I give you a massage instead?” A massage can help take the sting out of the rejection while it still offers physical intimacy. You could also try telling your partner “I really want to rock your world but I’m exhausted tonight, how about we wake up early and I’ll do things to you that would make angels weep?”

[gdlr_dropcap type=”circle” color=”#ffffff” background=”#e36d39″]2[/gdlr_dropcap]Consider what you can do to create an environment in which your partner feels freer to be aroused. Dr. John Gotten once said, “Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Some people desire romance and flowers while others need the dishes to be done before they can even consider doing the horizontal mambo. Ask your partner what you can do if you are unsure. If Mr. Spreadsheet had talked to his wife about her lack of desire for sex with empathy and curiosity, he would have created an opportunity to support her. Instead of being the powerless sexually frustrated husband, he could be the empowered partner whose compassion stirred up his wife’s feelings of sexual arousal. Please note that people are not owed sex just because they bought chocolates or did the laundry. This is about developing an atmosphere for lasting sexual intimacy, not coercing your partner into being Princess Leia to your Jabba the Hutt.

[gdlr_dropcap type=”circle” color=”#ffffff” background=”#e36d39″]3[/gdlr_dropcap]Know all the sexual acts you like to do and talk about them with your partner. Many folks think of sex as only being a penetrative act, which is a limited perspective. When you know all the ways you can get turned on and get off, you offer your partner options in fulfilling your sexual needs. Maybe full penetration is not in the cards for the night, but some light body worship and mutual masturbation could be arranged. When you can openly talk with your partner about all the elements of sex you enjoy, you are more likely to experience some of them.

These are only a few tips for negotiating sex with your partner. Sometimes a slight shift can offer a great deal of change. Perhaps you have tried some of these tips or others and continue to feel challenged in talking about your sex life with your partner. That is when couples counseling could be useful, providing a safe space to address difficult issues. A therapist can provide a fresh perspective on your issues, helping you maintain a long lasting relationship, full of erotic fun.

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28feb01marCountry Nightft. DJ Michael Bond10:00 PM - (march 1) 2:00 AM Oilcan Harry'sCategories:NightlifeAges:21+

28feb01marDown & Dirty Thursday ft. DJ ProtégéAll-Male Amateur StripOff ft. Bobby Cook & Sabel Scities10:00 PM - (march 1) 2:00 AM Rain on 4thCategories:NightlifeAges:18+

28feb01marDivas on 4thHosted by Nadine Hughes11:00 PM - (march 1) 2:00 AM Sellers UndergroundCategories:Drag,NightlifeAges:21+

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