#1 Self-Care-You Have To Feel Good To F*@K Good
It is hard to turn yourself on for sex if you don’t feel good about yourself. There is a myth in our culture that our partner’s job is to turn us on, when in reality we have to feel good about ourselves to turn ourselves on. Think about it like this, let’s say you go on a week long camping trip where there are no showers, changes of clothes, or toiletries. Upon your return to civilization you are provided an all-you-can eat sushi spread. So, after you engorge yourself, you get home and walk into your living room. Standing before you is the person you find most attractive in the world, let’s say it’s Rob Lowe (because he is so pretty that he seems to cause people to bend their notions of their own sexual orientation). Rob says to you, “drop those drawers and let’s do this.” Now, consider how difficult it might be to feel erotic smelling like a mixture of pit stank and pine cones while the rice bloat builds a home in your stomach. In that moment it would be challenging for many people to turn themselves on, and Rob’s blue eyes and forgiving bone structure would understand. One way to bring eroticism back into your relationship is to practice self-care. That could mean exercising, spa treatments, eating healthier; whatever helps you feel good about being in your own body. This is not about getting dolled up, trying to morph yourself into what you think your partner might want you to look like; it is about feeling comfortable in your own skin. You have to manage the stressors in your life so that you feel open to sexual exploration. If you’re comfortable in your own body, then it is easier to share that body with another person.
#2 Sexting-It’s Not Just For Horny Teenagers
In making a life with another person it can be easy to become so comfortable with them that they shift from being a desired muse who once brought out your sexual explorer to a background noise that distracts you from watching that episode of “30 Rock” on Netflix for the 8th time. So, if you have a general fondness for each other but have lost your erotic love, you can work on rediscovering it via sexting. (Just a side note here, if you and your love do not have a foundation of friendship and appreciation established, then focus on liking each other again before jumping into dick pics and words that make angels blush.) Sexting provides a platform where you can talk to your partner about what excites you sexually; a topic of conversation that people aren’t always able to easily have. Sexting allows for you to get creative and use words and pictures to reconnect with your partner’s eroticism and your own. An eggplant emoji can mean much more than an “eggplant” when you’re sexting. What is great about sending sexually explicit messages to a partner is that they can be sent and received at any time. It can give you time to consider what you might want to send allowing more room for exploration and playfulness than sitting face to face and stating what you want in the moment. Sexting helps to spark anticipation and curiosity. (Pro tip: if you choose to sext with your partner, consider locking your phone so that other folks might not stumble across your personal Danielle Steel novel.)
#3 Sex Is Much More Than An Orgasm
If sex is simply about climax, then we could just masturbate next to our partners to complete the mission. Orgasm is a ridged goal; and when it is not achieved it can lead to a number of difficult feelings and thoughts about yourself and your relationship. What if the goal of sex was to explore yourself and your partner? What if sex was about being present in the moment with your partner, and orgasm was simply the possible gravy of that interaction (pun certainly intended). When couples are able to expand their understanding of sex they experience more freedom and connection. Exploration isn’t about achieving a goal, it is about curiosity and wonder; allowing folks to take healthy risks so they might uncover more about their own sexual desires and those of their partner. When sex is less about climax and more about exploration and intimacy in its many forms (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), it has more freedom to develop.
#4 Life Gets Busy So Plan Frisky Times
One thing I often hear from folks who have lost the eroticism in their relationship is that they are too busy to find time for sex, to which I say: plan it. Now you may be thinking, “Adam, I am not going to write down ‘6pm: ride the bologna pony’ in my Google calendar”, which is great because that might create a great deal of pressure to perform. What I recommend is to set aside time for physical exploration, which could be anything from a massage to making out. This takes the pressure off of the moment while allowing for new connections with your partner. Even if you are only able to steal ten minutes from most days in your week, those ten minutes can stoke your desire; and when there is more time for connection it will be more intense due to all of the antici- … say it … -pation. You might have to get a baby-sitter or forgo a choir practice on Sunday morning, but in the end your relationship will reap the benefits of eroticism.
#5 Take A Field-trip to A Sex Shop
A fun way to spark up a conversation about your sexual desires with your partner is to visit a sex shop together. Talk about what looks intriguing and fun while noting what might be outside of your sexual template. Exploring a sex shop together can offer you a chance to interact with products, try on merchandise and even learn a thing or two. Q Toys offers workshops on topics such as rope bondage; that is a surefire way to strike up a sex-tastic dialogue. A trip to a sex shop can help break up the routine that you have settled into while allowing for a new and exciting purchase to find its way into your play.
Throughout the lifetime of a relationship, sex is bound to wax and wane, but the flame of desire does not need to stay out. If you have difficulty talking about sex with your partner then therapy can offer a safe space to work towards the erotic connection you are hoping to create. In therapy, you can gain support, perspective and insight so that you can rekindle your erotic love.